2 months of not writing happened. I haven´t even thought of this place in a long time.
But let´s rewind. Shortly after our daughter was born, I threw out my back. So bad, that it put me out of order for days at a time. I couldn`t take care of anyone. Not even myself. First it took 6 months to occur again, then 3 months, then 1,5 months. On the second to last occurrence in May of 2017, I decided it is enough. I was severly depressed, I cried a lot very frequently over stupidly insignificant things and couldn`t tell why. We had two beautiful children, my husband had a great job, our marriage was in a bit of a struggle. I had the life I always wanted. My body kept showing me that this is a very unhealthy way of living. I resisted so long that there was no life in me to keep fighting. I wanted it to work so badly. I just wanted it to work out for all of us.
Back in May I went to seek help at a therapist. We weren't a good fit. Though she told me to do a retreat for burned-out mothers in a rehabilitation clinic. 3 weeks in vacuum. I applied for that but wasn't sure how that could ever help me. Or anyone for that matter. I truly believed there was no one on this earth to help me through this. In a way that was the truth, in another way it wasn't. I found a great therapist whom I clicked just right. For the first time in my life I felt really good and excited about therapy.
So, 4 weeks later the people organizing that retreat had a place for me and the kids. I said yes and went there. I kept alternating between wanting to go and staying home. I was undecided until the very last hour. It felt like personal hell to pack up our things and leave this city with two small kids in my own care. On a car ride for 5 hours. By myself. I was beyond terrified and anxiety-ridden.
The car ride went smoothly. Shortly before I pulled into the parking lot of the clinic, my son's glasses just fell apart. I trembled in realizing that I had to organize somehow new glasses for him. Little things like that made me terrified. It took me a few days to get new glasses for him, but I managed that hurdle gracefully. For the first time in a long while I saw, truly saw, that I could do hard things in strange environments. Back then I couldn't even live like normal people do. I had struggles to organize even the simplest things like cooking dinner. All I was capable of doing was stare into my phone, be on social media to dissociate from my life. While I was supposed to care for two small children full-time.
The days flew by and I and the kids settled in quite well. There were group therapy sessions and individual sessions. Sports activities and massages. I loved it. I started running there without the actually need to pack my things and run. It's such a great stress relief for me. I learned a lot of things about myself there. About self-care, self-acceptance and loving myself with all the struggles and insecurities I come with. I, again, cried a lot because the words I heard there were just hitting too close to home. After working through the past 2 years of happenings in my life, I finally kept coming to a place within me of peace, quietness and contentedness.
I sat there every evening (or rather every moment I could spare) looking down from my balcony. Observing the clouds, watching the birds fly by and the trees move in the wind. Within myself I observed a change by doing it. I felt centered and connected to earth. A deep meaningful way of being. Not doing anything. Observing my thoughts and emotions, allowing them to come. Not denying any of it. I tapped into my worthiness and that no one can love me to become the person I truly am, except ME. Or rather allow myself to be the person I am. I came back into my own power.
I denied my needs and feelings for so long that I no longer felt myself. I voted my emotions and my body, my feelings, wants and needs off of the island of me. I denied myself the fundamental needs of my body for food, sleep or movement, which was highly self-harming. I didn't even know how to make time for me in my daily life anymore. All I saw was how I needed to take care of my family. No matter what, even on expense of myself.
Truly these 3 weeks of isolation, of letting people taking care of my kids, of allowing people to feed me saved me in ways I can't even put into words. I knew I had to change my life fundamentally. There was a deep truth in that. Starting with loving myself deeply and mothering me. As well as looking at our marriage and where I truly want to go. Where I want to be so I can be happy. That the happiness inside of me could manifest. I needed to get back in charge of my own life. In retrospect it really scares me how unwell I was. And I didn't even know. I knew it was bad, but never imagined it being this bad.
I was scared to come back to reality with all that I knew now. I was scared to make the wrong move. The realization though was that I needed to stay true to the person deep inside myself. To honor her and live her truth out loud. Even if it brought me near to unconsciousness only thinking about it. To listen to this voice that told me to go. Not because I wanted to run away from my life or the struggles inherited by it, but because it took me to a point where I gave up being a person. And that is really no desirable life.
I entered back into my life and broke off my marriage. It was an intense time and I entered a dark tunnel where I inched my way forward one step, one breath at a time. Alternating between shock, horror and pure, blissful joy. Right now, I am right before transition begins in the journey of birthing a child, my own inner true child-woman. I know transition will come and it will hurt more like hell, I see it right before me. I keep fighting it. I know there is no way backward, but I don't want to put myself through that pain, though I see the faint light at the end of the tunnel. I know once I go further through this, it will hurt but it won't ever stay this way. There will be light again. Lightness in living. The only way to end it, is to go through. I am not quite ready to surrender myself to it. I keep riding the waves until I am there. I will be right on time.