Resistance. It's the thing I am most oblivious about. I don't see it coming. It happens. I get tense. My body feels weak and drained. I push hardly against the things. Against the growing opportunities that are laid out in front of me. I don't want to learn this, I keep saying over and over in my head. I don't want to go through this. I can't. I neither have the courage, nor the energy.
All I know is, however hard it is going to be, I have to go through this. It's the only way.
And that, friends, is the moment where one decides. To stay in resistance or inch forward. Ever so slowly. Or go into full bolt lightning speed. For me, it's the first. I pull out my plan. Plan A didn't work. Plan B didn't either. So I am back at the blank page, drafting up a new plan. I feel my hand is getting tired, drafting everything out. My brain hurts just thinking what miraculous way it could all work out. When I am not so sure there is a plan ever made that will work.
I resist, because it feels like save ground. I resist, because I don't know what is coming next. I am in transition. I can see where I want to be and how beautiful it'll all be, how happy we all be.
I am not there yet. I get so angry because of it. I want nothing else than to be through all of this. Through this unending story of growing. I want rest. I want peace. I want my mind to calm down and relax for a while. To gather strength and get to it with a fresh mind. This is not how it works right now. Life is demanding me. And I push against it with all the might that is buried in my weak bones.
I can measure the distance. I decided, not consciously, against moving. It's like the resistance in me makes me frozen. I have not figured out how to thaw myself. I guess, I move forward by doing the next right thing, right now. When it is done, I am back to deciding what I need to do next.
Just like that I am falling into crisis-mode. I stop thinking about tomorrow, or next week, or even the next hour. I am caught up in the now and what has to be done. Pure functionality. It's a place I really don't want to be. It's self-destructive and dangerous to my physical well-being. It demands of the people around me to take care of me. When I so desperately need to take care of myself. Something I have failed for too long to be back at this point where I have been not so long ago. It feels familiar and scares the shit out of me.
By posting here I kind of hold myself accountable. To do the things that bring me joy. To do the things that relieve the stress in my body, to feed me well. To mother myself, to relax (as much as it is possible given the circumstances), to let myself cry. With all of that, there is a hope of being able to surrender to the bigger story of this growing. To surrender to the story that has to be written in any form it needs to be. And let it be written.
Let the Universe work it's magic although from my point of view it look like it forgot me in the equation. Or it could be that I just not see what is coming next. However, sweet Universe, please be kind with my soul and easy on my body. I already weathered a storm in such a short time, I am not sure how much more I can take. Thanks for consideration. Kind regards, me.