chaos

My mind spins. Today has been exhausting and all the feels. From joy, to wonder, to truth, to anxiety. In me are still unresolved parts of my abusive childhood. They don't define my life, not in the grand scheme. But once in a while I wish I hadn't have to live with them. I wish I wouldn't need to expand my boundaries, always being a bit more uncomfortable than everyone else around the table. But I welcome it, grudingly. I accept it and let it be. It makes me the person I am today. Still. I feel stable. The deep basis of trauma has resolved. It feels amazing.

In the past few months after radically changing my life I feel able. I feel worthy. I feel like I always assumed it must feel to be grown-up. To be responsible. I am fortunate enough that I still at times get to be my unresponsible happy-go-lucky youthful self. It has been such a stretch and in a way I feel like I arrived at my destination of myself. I found the home in me, that I always searched on the outside and in other people. My home is in myself.

The work does not stop.

The mindfulness with myself. Meditating first. Every day. Not scrapping it when life is busy or thing are rough and I can't focus. Staying present in the moment.

Keeping myself in physical shape.

Drinking 64oz of water every day.

Eating food. Enough food, mostly healthy. Not depriving myself from anything I want to eat.  

Being creative.

The cornerstones who ground me. This always has to come first. before anyone else comes. I need the oxygen mask first in case of emergencies. Otherwise I can't take care of the people I love. I need to remember this. A lot. I tend to forget. A lot.