I see and experience this so often. Women have to ask permission to be vocal. Not only by men. But by women too, who think they are more than the other person. More beautiful, more intelligent, richer, have a better working position etc.
As I am often at the recieving end of all of this bullshit, I censor myself. I don't say what I think. I try to be diplomatic. Because I am afraid how the other person will react. I am afraid they will tell me this what I feel is not true. That the other person will devalue my feelings and experience to the point where I don't know what I feel and think is actually true. This is toxic. So, I don't say what I think. I keep my thoughts to myself. I try to get by. Whom is that fair to?
So lately I tried a different route. I say the things no one else does. Not only in relationships, but in real life, you know. Like at work, and at the grocery store. "No, I won't work three weekends a month", "No I can't care for x patients, since I am still fairly new", "No I won't endure and hope it gets better. It costs me too much of my precious time", " I don't want to work full-time and miss all the childhood my babies have, even if you think I am lazy and unrealistic".I wondered where I get the strength and stamina from to do this. It is definitely not coming from nowhere.
It's THE lesson my dog taught me. Last year we had a lot of leash pulling problems. Still do from time to time. I worked with her a lot but never got it quite right. We somehow never communicated in the right way that she could understand. But one day, I hissed at her softly. She stood back looked at me, and her eyes kept saying, "ok, I get it". All she needed was the softness and the strength. The stamina and the gentleness. From that day on, I tried to be clearer, gentler. We haven't had any leash pulling problems. She taught me, that if I want to do life right, I have to find the mix of strength and gentleness it takes to tell people out. But do it softly.
I no longer ask for permission to speak or to stand up for the things I need to live my life in a good way. You shouldn't either. No is a complete sentence. I know you can say it. Stand up for what you need. The people out there will not serve you with it from a silver platter. You make your own life that is right for you. It doesn't need to look like everyone elses. It's yours, make it unique to your own needs, wants and desires. In a few years you will look back and for sure, will not regret the time you spent WITH your kids. You will not regret fueling your passions instead of your bread-winning job. Although it can be good if these two combine or complement each other. Lead your life like you would lead a small company. You want to do right by the people. Start with you. Start doing right by you. Take the holiday trip alone if your partner does not enjoy the destination. Fill your life with people who makes you feel loved. And for the sake of everything holy, stop approving, pleasing and perfecting the version of you people assume you are. Stop playing roles. Be you. Be YOU. BE you.