letter to my former self

Dear baby girl,

I hope this letter finds you in a good place although I know how desperate you feel to figure this all out. Yourself, love and life. But mostly yourself. I am here to tell you that you will find people and resources that make you into a compassionate, soft but strong human being. Some time down the road you will know what the feelings you feel so strongly mean. You will know that you have to live from a place of integrity. Never betray yourself in the most fundamental ways.

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Most importantly, it's okay to feel the desires you do and act on them. It is okay and doable to live life the way no one else in your community does. Stop searching for the romantic love you don't seem to feel, like most of the people tell you you should feel. Explore who or when your heart beats faster. Go and chase that. Allow yourself to experience it all. Fall into it, without holding back. Without shutting any of it out. It will terrify you. It will make you feel everything you never did before and it will feel like the scariest thing you have ever done or will do. It will also feel the best. And then some.

There will be people who love on you, because you are so fucking difficult to be with. Who embrace you for the places you put yourself into and who pull you out of there. They will give you space and hugs to work it out. They ask the right questions without demanding answers. Although you can't imagine people like you, people who are searching for the deep things, out in this world. They exist. They are waiting for you. You will find them.

Happiness is not a choice, nor can it be achieved. Happiness comes from the deep sliver of truth inside of your heart and soul. The place where you know all things true, but decide to cover up because of social expectations and the way it would shoot the life concept you set for yourself out of it's hinges. Nevertheless, this truth and the joy you feel is the reason you are a living, breathing, loving human being. You will diminish and extract all the beautiful things from your life if you try to achieve happiness.

Go search for your truth. Live it. In the end you can live this, nothing (and no one) is holding you back.