my whole life since I can remember I always felt like the outcast, the weirdo. The one who can just not fit in or belong somewhere. Partly of it was because, growing up, I was only exposed to a not-so-diverse set of people. During all of my teenagehood and early adult years I tried so hard to fit in. to belong somewhere even if it meant denying myself, my longings. denying the essence of being me. For me that felt easier than to dig for it. In my abusive childhood I had worked so hard fitting somewhere I truly did not belong, because it was my only chance to survive.
I never really saw how dangerous that was to my spirit and lastly to my body too. And after 28 years of pretending, I just couldn't anymore. I needed to dig for that sliver of essence that kept nudging me in quiet times. The small whispers in the wind that wasn't really graspable but I knew it was there.
So I did. I kept digging inside of me and all of the unresolved feelings and hurt and anger that I haven't really felt ever, hit me with so much vigor. It brought me to my knees and after that it gave me wings to fly. I saw myself. The person I always have been. And I allowed her to come out and be.
I do not expect of me anything right now than to be present in every single moment. To do things according to my values. To speak to injustices. To have hard conversations. To show up with the most imperfect self that I can. For the first time in my life to truly live. To honestly soak up life like I have never lived a day before and have not another day to live.
And it cracked my heart into one bajillion pieces in every moment, like one day as I was playing with my friends son peekaboo and he beamed at me like I was his sun and his moon and his stars. At that moment I made his life insignificantly brighter. The times where my son huddles his still small hand into mine and lets me hold it. I find so much joy in just being a human on this earth. As hard and complicated and messy as it is. But that's the point. The messy and hard and complicated. This is what makes life beautifully imperfect. And showing that to others helps everyone around us to relate us in a ways you could have never imagined with your own limited brain capacity.
Loving the things I love, the people I love and, most importantly, loving myself first - not violating any boundary or belief of myself has been an integral part. Actually I found I fit right here in this world. In the past few weeks my whole life transformed in a way, so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes. I had people open up to me about the most tender things, I found people who I feel I have known for years but only met like last week. I found a job that lets me work out my gifts of nurturing and fixing fixable stuff.
I am sad that I could not be far earlier. Life could have been so easy. I guess that are the perks of growing. I guess that's your fortune. If you feel like you are one huge misfit, start trying with being yourself and loving the essence of you. Patch yourself up to be whole, this will not come without it's battles, I promise you that. But after you are content and whole you can go out in this world and do the most extraordinary things.
I'll leave you with that friends. Now go and be.