Stepping into my own truth

Growing up I thought I have to be like everybody else to be liked, to be popular. Once in a time I still think that. About 2,5 years ago I decided I'd try to grow out my hair, long. Like it has been the last time when I was 13 years old and it certainly didn't flatter my appearance. I did it anyway.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago I annoyingly chopped it all off in one 30 min visit to the hairdresser's. I told him to hurry up, because my baby was waiting for me at home. Cutting hair and a wiggly baby doesn't mesh well.

You can't believe the relief I felt. Like I was myself again and I wondered how I got there. I believe I lost myself sometimes during the last two years. It felt horrible. I stopped taking pictures, because I was pregnant and miserable and then I had a baby, a wonderful little miracle, who sat on my chest the whole day (mostly she still does).

 
 

The experience with my hair openend my eyes. I wasn't myself anymore. So, the husband and I scheduled alone time for me. Every Sunday. And I can't tell you how much it helps. To clear my head, to get creativity juices flowing and just be me. Not mothering, not caring, not cooking. Just me. Maybe in a coffee shop, other times like last week in the woods. Taking selfies. The only way I know how to get in touch with the deeply-rooted self in me.

Over the past two years I honestly thought about selling all my photography stuff. But it felt like betrayal. so, I didn't. Every once in a while the man in the arena by Theodor Roosevelt circled through my head, first introduced to me by Brene Brown's work.

The Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly;

who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt’s speech Citizenship In A Republic, delivered at the Sorbonne (1910)
— http://brenebrown.com/2011/09/15/2011915the-woman-in-the-arena-html/

And it is the most meaningful, powerful written word so true for my life I have ever come across. I am ready to step into my own truth again. To wear my hair short and my heart on my sleeve. To cry and laugh more, and yell less. To be the peaceful me I am deeply in my core. I let go of a lot of responsibilities and creativity-killers to make room for the things I am fulfilled by most. I am so very thankful to be able to do that.

I am back in the arena. Can't wait to see where it leads me.