whom I trust in

I have never been this nervous before hitting publish. Ever. This time is kind of special. It tells it all. Kind of.
My story makes me blush sometimes, but I feel I need to tell it. Maybe someone else out there can relate or finds his/her way into the right direction because of what I had to tell.

I always believed there is a God in this world. Even as a young child, I was aware of God.
He made me into who I am, working His way through my tender heart and all the hurt he let me experience.
It was not until recently that I became aware that he can do things for me, keep me in comfort and safety if it is His will for me. But the story began over three years ago, here in this city in another flat which I called my own back then.

It was located near a church. I adored that church. It is all white, stunning and mesmerizing on the inside. I began going to that church when I felt sad, alone or hurt. I went there for comfort and found it somehow. I sat there, being quiet, watching people or babbling along in my mind not caring if God could hear me or not.
I never attended a service there.
During this time when I came to that church I felt the need to go to court for what I had experienced earlier in life. I realized that these things who affected me still badly due to sexual child abuse were not the things I wanted to be known for. Somehow someone had to take them from me. And heal my soul.
No lover, no material thing could do this. I tried that already. And left disappointed everytime I felt this horrifying feeling of haunting creep back up into reality. It should have stayed in the past. I didn't manage to leave it there and dragged that heavy load around with me every single day. Being depressed, heart broken. Hurt. I eventually stopped going to that church. I don't know why. I just did. I guess life kept me busy with work and the dogs.

In the early months in 2010 I doubted myself heavily in the photography departement. I felt I could never do a 365 project, as good as others did it. Then this picture above happened.
I was stunned. Blown away by the response I got back. 

And then I knew it. This is the road I need to take to heal up a little. To stay put together. To work through all the hurt. Most importantly to keep my head up not drowing in the dark past. This project enabled me to live my life through the most difficult parts in my life.
And photography became my therapy for a whole year. Every day I sat with myself, created a picture no matter how I felt. On one side channeling those feelings into pieces of art I am proud of. On the other side doing some painful soul-work.
I believe he gave me the ability to create this beautiful picture to believe in myself. To keep carrying on in whatever case that may be. Life in general or photography. He wanted me to keep going.

After many many months of heavy soul work with myself I had a court trial to seek justice for my past during November last year. 
Going through this was not a walk in the park, for sure not. It left me raw, open and still hurt very deeply. During those weeks I was set back into a time where all those horrible things happened to me. It felt all so real again. But I had to do it. I couldn't explain why, but I was supported by my family and friends. Thinking back to those days my eyes fill with tears. Because it was difficult to tell strangers, many many strangers what he did to me on a nearly daily basis 10 long years.
I never went to see a therapist in my life. They couldn't help me anyway. Talking it out has never helped me anyway.
I knew I would be carried through this, that something somewhere gave me the strength to do all of this on my own. I had to be my own saviour back then. I made it. By the end of that year (2010) I successfully tackled the past I feared for so long. and won.

The point I want to make is, I couldn't have done this all on my own. There was someone through all my life who held my hand, carried me through the hard times and never left my side. That someone was neither human nor visible and I knew he existed to keep me alive. Back in the days after the trial I heard these following words in my head over and over again: "There is a purpose in your life, He has a plan for you. Don't be afraid it will only get better from now on." And I believed it.
Yet it was hard to keep fighting the demons from the past who still haunted me. I had a very hard time. Hanging by a thread onto life.

It took me another few months into 2011 when I discouvered there really is a God whom I can cling to.
I met my neighbor who lives right across the street. We started to get to know each other, comfort each other with food, tell us our stories and he grew to be a very dear friend. He read me from the Bible when he thought it was necessary. And then was that day where he invited me to meet the people at the ministry he goes to.
It took us a few weeks until I was able to go.
I was afraid what was waiting for me there. The people greeted me with open arms and a loving heart. I couldn't have been any lovelier. I attended a few services and I found out that it is worth it to walk with God. To study the Bible and give him my life.
But (yeah, I am a little slow in catching all these things) I didn't see that at once. It took me another few weeks, until I confessed under tears what I have been through, why it is so hard for me to trust.
I never felt any more relief than in the moment I told it to one of the people from that ministry.

From that day on I read the Bible and was convinced my life is going to change. I will change for the better. I wasn't really good to the people who loved me and I wanted that to change. I wanted to gain the trust of that man I love so deep down in my heart. I  hurt him and I needed patience. That is a thing I am not used to. 
I found my strength in Him in all I do. It is worth talking to Him, praying. Even if you think he does not listen. God does listen and He knows you more than yourself.
From my point now the past and all what comes with it feels like it belongs to someone else. To a girl I once knew. I am beginning every day with Jesus Christ, for He is my saviour.
He guided me through all these days, where I couldn't see the path due to the darkness. He carried my light and lifted me when I couldn't walk. This is as true as I was born for a reason to my mom.
There is a reason in everything.

He knows it all. I am starting every day to be free from my past and being the one He made me to be.