chaos

My mind spins. Today has been exhausting and all the feels. From joy, to wonder, to truth, to anxiety. In me are still unresolved parts of my abusive childhood. They don't define my life, not in the grand scheme. But once in a while I wish I hadn't have to live with them. I wish I wouldn't need to expand my boundaries, always being a bit more uncomfortable than everyone else around the table. But I welcome it, grudingly. I accept it and let it be. It makes me the person I am today. Still. I feel stable. The deep basis of trauma has resolved. It feels amazing.

In the past few months after radically changing my life I feel able. I feel worthy. I feel like I always assumed it must feel to be grown-up. To be responsible. I am fortunate enough that I still at times get to be my unresponsible happy-go-lucky youthful self. It has been such a stretch and in a way I feel like I arrived at my destination of myself. I found the home in me, that I always searched on the outside and in other people. My home is in myself.

The work does not stop.

The mindfulness with myself. Meditating first. Every day. Not scrapping it when life is busy or thing are rough and I can't focus. Staying present in the moment.

Keeping myself in physical shape.

Drinking 64oz of water every day.

Eating food. Enough food, mostly healthy. Not depriving myself from anything I want to eat.  

Being creative.

The cornerstones who ground me. This always has to come first. before anyone else comes. I need the oxygen mask first in case of emergencies. Otherwise I can't take care of the people I love. I need to remember this. A lot. I tend to forget. A lot.

be loud.

I see and experience this so often. Women have to ask permission to be vocal. Not only by men. But by women too, who think they are more than the other person. More beautiful, more intelligent, richer, have a better working position etc.

As I am often at the recieving end of all of this bullshit, I censor myself. I don't say what I think. I try to be diplomatic. Because I am afraid how the other person will react. I am afraid they will tell me this what I feel is not true. That the other person will devalue my feelings and experience to the point where I don't know what I feel and think is actually true. This is toxic. So, I don't say what I think. I keep my thoughts to myself. I try to get by. Whom is that fair to?

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So lately I tried a different route. I say the things no one else does. Not only in relationships, but in real life, you know. Like at work, and at the grocery store. "No, I won't work three weekends a month", "No I can't care for x patients, since I am still fairly new", "No I won't endure and hope it gets better. It costs me too much of my precious time", " I don't want to work full-time and miss all the childhood my babies have, even if you think I am lazy and unrealistic".I wondered where I get the strength and  stamina from to do this. It is definitely not coming from nowhere.

It's THE lesson my dog taught me. Last year we had a lot of leash pulling problems. Still do from time to time. I worked with her a lot but never got it quite right. We somehow never communicated in the right way that she could understand. But one day, I hissed at her softly. She stood back looked at me, and her eyes kept saying, "ok, I get it". All she needed was the softness and the strength. The stamina and the gentleness. From that day on, I tried to be clearer, gentler. We haven't had any leash pulling problems. She taught me, that if I want to do life right, I have to find the mix of strength and gentleness it takes to tell people out. But do it softly.

I no longer ask for permission to speak or to stand up for the things I need to live my life in a good way. You shouldn't either. No is a complete sentence. I know you can say it. Stand up for what you need. The people out there will not serve you with it from a silver platter. You make your own life that is right for you. It doesn't need to look like everyone elses. It's yours, make it unique to your own needs, wants and desires. In a few years you will look back and for sure, will not regret the time you spent WITH your kids. You will not regret fueling your passions instead of your bread-winning job. Although it can be good if these two combine or complement each other. Lead your life like you would lead a small company. You want to do right by the people. Start with you. Start doing right by you. Take the holiday trip alone if your partner does not enjoy the destination. Fill your life with people who makes you feel loved. And for the sake of everything holy, stop approving, pleasing and perfecting the version of you people assume you are. Stop playing roles. Be you. Be YOU. BE you.

That's all.

letter to my former self

Dear baby girl,

I hope this letter finds you in a good place although I know how desperate you feel to figure this all out. Yourself, love and life. But mostly yourself. I am here to tell you that you will find people and resources that make you into a compassionate, soft but strong human being. Some time down the road you will know what the feelings you feel so strongly mean. You will know that you have to live from a place of integrity. Never betray yourself in the most fundamental ways.

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Most importantly, it's okay to feel the desires you do and act on them. It is okay and doable to live life the way no one else in your community does. Stop searching for the romantic love you don't seem to feel, like most of the people tell you you should feel. Explore who or when your heart beats faster. Go and chase that. Allow yourself to experience it all. Fall into it, without holding back. Without shutting any of it out. It will terrify you. It will make you feel everything you never did before and it will feel like the scariest thing you have ever done or will do. It will also feel the best. And then some.

There will be people who love on you, because you are so fucking difficult to be with. Who embrace you for the places you put yourself into and who pull you out of there. They will give you space and hugs to work it out. They ask the right questions without demanding answers. Although you can't imagine people like you, people who are searching for the deep things, out in this world. They exist. They are waiting for you. You will find them.

Happiness is not a choice, nor can it be achieved. Happiness comes from the deep sliver of truth inside of your heart and soul. The place where you know all things true, but decide to cover up because of social expectations and the way it would shoot the life concept you set for yourself out of it's hinges. Nevertheless, this truth and the joy you feel is the reason you are a living, breathing, loving human being. You will diminish and extract all the beautiful things from your life if you try to achieve happiness.

Go search for your truth. Live it. In the end you can live this, nothing (and no one) is holding you back.